Even Angels Fall
by remember-nomore
Summary: Beginning text with Dawn taken from the episode Forever. This is kind of dark and some would think that it’s very unlike Tara. But everyone has their own spin on her. This fic came out a bit darker then I had planned but I like it still.


'_I wanna do a spell. I wanna bring Mom back.'_

Her words were like a shock to my system; almost like someone dipped me into ice water and left me to drown. Everything she said made me ache inside; made me want to take her pain away. I wanted to take it away so badly because I knew that pain, I knew how she felt and I knew that nothing or nobody was ever going to make it better for her. Not in a year, not in ten years.

"_Of course you wanna bring your mother back, and ... I wish we could, but it's not possible."_

"_Why? You guys do magic for all kinds of things."_

"_We do, but..."_

"_This is different. Magic can't be used to alter the natural order of things."_

"_But all you do is mess with the natural order of things. You, you make things float, a-and disappear, and…"_

"_But we don't mess with life and death. Dawn, I know how bad you hurt."_

"_You don't….They put her in the ground."_

"_They did, and it's awful and unfair, but this isn't the way."_

Dawn had finally gone to bed, so had Willow a bit later. But I was far too awake to even think of sleep. My eyes were wide open but I felt like everything was just some bad nightmare. But it was a nightmare that I had lived; one I had created myself.

After my family left Sunnydale a few months ago I vowed to be totally honest with Willow, to tell her everything there was to know about me and hope that she would still love me. That she would love the real me and not the glamour I had made myself here the past year and a half. I poured my heart out to her and we're still together.

She loves me. She said she'd be at my side and never leave me.

I wonder if she would feel the same if she knew the biggest part of me that I've never told her. I never told anyone.

The desperation in Dawn's voice and the look in her eyes nearly broke me, it nearly shattered my resolve and I almost told her and Willow everything I did, everything that happened just to save her the pain that I went through.

"_Goddess of light, goddess of wonder I beg of you, return to me what I've lost… give back to me what has been taken." _

Months after I left home the memories haunted me, haunted my nightmares and made me pray for solace.

Solace and forgiveness aren't easy gifts to come by. They are even harder when you need to give it to yourself.

To this day I still regret what I did; it haunts me and pulls at my soul. It went against everything I've ever been taught, everything that my mother and I held dear. It was in direct defiance of every Wiccan law.

But in that same moment I can't help but feel a pang of sadness; sadness that it didn't work how it was supposed to, that…that she didn't come back. Anger is always there too, anger at Donnie for thinking it was i funny /i to mess with the herbs Mamma left and replace some of them with his secret pot stash.

Maybe I was just naive to not even think to check everything before I started. Grief clouded my judgment.

I had too. I couldn't just… I couldn't not.

Quietly I slipped out of bed and wrapped myself in my mother's robe, one of the few things I kept of hers when I had moved. I walked over to the chair by the window and curled my legs under me, looking out and watching the clouds ghost over the moon.

It was nights like this – or any time I felt this alone or confused – that I just looked into the darkness and I could remember things we did together. Almost all of them were in the kitchen with her telling me stories of when she was younger with my grandmother. And all my memories of the two of us were happy. They fed me for so long, gave me light and hope when things just seemed so dark in our house.

"Miss you mamma, sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But I know you're with me." I turned and glanced at the photo of the two of us when I was sixteen. "I'm sorry…" I whispered to her picture, that pang of guilt building up inside me again.

Running my fingers over the glass as I got up; I tied the robe around me tighter and looked down at Dawn as she slept. I knew she was hurting, I knew her heart hurt. I've been through this and I don't know the words to say to make her feel better. No magick in the world could help her either. I just had to be there whenever she needed me; even if it's just to cry.

I knelt down next to Dawn and kissed her temple. "I wish I could make the pain go away, I've tried myself. It'll take time. You're not alone sweetie, I'm always here." My voice was soft and I brushed her hair away from her face and pulled the spare blanket up around her shoulders; hoping she was getting a dreamless and maybe even restful sleep. But that would be like wishing on windmills.

Standing up I tiptoed back into bed and wrapped my arm around Willow's waist, a small content smile coming to her lips as she pressed her body against mine. My eyes closing as I inhaled her scent and trying to wish away the memories of my mother and spells gone wrong out of my mind and concentrate on the life I have now and the people who are still alive and need me.


End file.
